When Your Resistance Is Low

mornings are hard for me... when your resistance is down you feel everything....

generally i'm a very positive person... the one animated. talking. laughing ,.. deep dives in conversation.. albeit mixed with a lot of alone time... a place and space i always need.. regeneration. peace.. i like the balance...

however, i feel ... No i know i have been fighting low grade depression.. anxiety, stress from all that has gone on in this country these past 4 years.. and some of this long before.. and forever... but rearing its ugly head

i have told myself winning the election, the inauguration i will feel much better.. finally intelligent and sane politicians, activists pushing the needed agenda on institutional racism..climate, immigration, this pandemic.. and so much more

Yes i was elated on Jan 20th... bagels and lox with friends watching Biden become the President..such pride in Kamala Harris as the first black VP woman... the marvelous poet Amanda Gorman my new hero... and yes happy each time Biden signed an executive order for those most fundamental issues.. something in my mind that is a no brainer...even normal decency seemed so unusual after the madness

but reality kicks back in.. we don't have enough vaccines bc of Trump.. he is a murderer in my eyes..people died and are dying bc of his ignorance and many republicans too.. all accomplices...... many not all , are radicalized and have changed this country in a way that may just may be virulent.. to me they are the virus. the pandemic that may happen again.. and i'm scared.. to the core...

they turn their head on the insurrection, as if a child broke a toy.... who are we ?? well not me.. but who are they??? .. all of those people that live inside a farce of lies, hatred... and want to derail everything our democracy stands for, and is now very much at stake.

and now warnings of more terrorist actions by our own citizens on our own citizens..

bare with me. .I'lll find my smile and peace and goodness and equilibrium.... it is there.. i'm still nina after all...i am productive doing things in spite of it all. .. have many moments of ease and peace.and joy..... but i feel so changed by all of this.. WE ALL ARE.. A PTSD of a sort....

this photo really symbolizes what i feel. the fragility.... the animal that got away.. escaped...just a few hairs remain.. of being contained. reprimanded.............. i feel this is US we made it through.

But if trump is not impeached.. and he won’t be... i fear him or his family will be back.. i don't know about you but i can not withstand that again. he took 4 years of our mental real estate... and i thought i was done with it.. but i see it remains.. i'm fearful but i have got to move forward with joy and purpose..

can't wait to hug all of you.. my people.. my family.. move with freedom not in fear of disease..

Group hug please

Re-unite the Children

like so many others that have been wrestling so profoundly with the unfolding events in this country.... the pain , anguish , hurt, defilement.. ....i melted into a puddle of tears... i shook my head in shock and disbelief..... and then check- mate... NO.. not at all.

we have been seeing this coming... but our leaders did not act and do what is necessary.. nice for the words in the last hour.. but NO.. no pass..no off the hook.... you LET this happen.. you are all Culpable... and this is where a huge part of the grief and shock lie... and yet it is clear.. transparent.. blindingly so....

guardians of our constitution who put self and ambitions above the people they swore to serve and protect...... the alliances that took hold. broke... took hold again..... the standing down of the Capital police.. no not all of the police... but a stand down none the less of many...... they may as well have opened and held the door .. the worst is the huge divide that exists in this country.. by the t poisonous beliefs that are inherent and others spread by pure fiction.....

i look forward. always hopeful.. and try to find the silver linings. which there are so many.. bc for all these heinous people who are responsible for so much hatred..... there is a huge tribe of people out there with brilliant minds. hearts.. compassion. decency and honesty.. willing to call it like it is...fight for what is right... see it for what it is.. no BS.. many compadres on here i respect so very much.. we have made it through so much. and we will continue to do so..

i wish Biden and Harris, and all those he brings on board.. the best we can offer in support...

But now i think and am reminded of the children that were ripped from their parents arms and fell into an abyss with no leads to where they are .....as those mothers and fathers cry in pain.. some put up for adoption, even without the permission of the parents they were kidnapped from.. i hope this is something high on the agenda too. to reunite as many of them that is possible

Dark Days of Electoral Madness

just when you think your nervous system has calmed from a year of hell.. pandemic and trump....

for me my fear was so much worse about trump..... i never feared covid... i just knew what i had to do ..what was my responsibility... and hope i would make it through.....but trump......

to listen all day to this maniacal , corrupt ,sick son of a ..... try to cajole, threaten , intimidate to overthrow a closed won election was beyond any mini series i could have watched.... i woke with anxiety....

i know he will not suceed..but there is no way to metablize the illness, not just of trump but of our govt.. what is checks and balances if this man has been able to torture us for so long.. and yet it feels torturous to me..

i look out this window. i do see the light...but so much damage has been done.. to our country... politically and from loss to this pandemic, because that same man has not been willing to take charge and steer us through.. to save and help the people he was elected to protect and now tries to rape...yes rape...... jan 20 can’t come soon enough...

Eyes The Connection To The Seat Of The Soul

..the eyes the connection to the seat of the soul... they communicate so much that words can’t penetrate.

Looking Forward to Connection (in the time of Pandemic)

looking forward to the day when i can be in communities.. and have connection.. esp with people i meet along the way.... these are the anecdotes and history of my years and love with photography..

a masked world has made it harder.. it's not just the isolation of being at home,.. it is the huge separation of people in the public domaine.... you can't see smiles, or hurt or joy or anger. sometimes faintly... there are no pauses.. it's move on. stand back... it IS what we need to do , but i willl be so happy and joyous when those freedoms of the past return

Rememberances

Remembrance.........

yesterday 3054 ppl died.. more than pearl harbor, 911 , katrina....

it's painful to hear... and worse to be confronted with ppl who say it's a hoax, they are dying of co-morbidities not Covid. of course those things dont help but without Covid too they would not have died.... i have heard this twice recently... it's all i can do but stand up and scream.. the audacious selfishness is astounding

today i just want to keep the 105,000 ppl in the hospital.. field hospitals, hospitals in parking lots in my good thoughts

Re-examination of Cancer Portfolio

one of the things i've been focused on during this pandemic is to sort through a ton of work; to edit, to update web and to reflect...... eventually tying the threads together of the same and different portfolios..

bc there is an abundance of work it feels overwhelming at times. i uncover new / old images.. what resonated once might not be the one that resonates now.. as we evolve our perspective and inner responses change

One of the hardest portfolios for me is one out of two done during my Cancer years.... one actually wading through the most difficult time of my life... the other to be seen later on.. is the life of my wigs.. both of which i named.. (Lola and Esmerelda)

it’s so hard to look at things that bring you back in time to a place you didn't want to stare down even then.. i recognize now how much i protected myself.. creating some psychological barriers.. one was having a lot of humor, even about myself..... listening to others woes..not my own.....and the other was finding the peace and honesty in just being in the moment.. quiet. stillness... alone

interestingly enough.. those two hard years, informed me so much, that when Covid-19 hit and we had to isolate and be separate from those we loved... i had already had this experience..not totally isolated(my friends and family were very much present).... but dropping out of my life so to speak to fight...being home and much of the time alone..

this was one of those quiet times.. when i saw something as i got out of bed and knew i had to grab my camera to shoot this singular moment

Arm in Arm

your eyes are so bright,.. your faint smile indicative of your warm heart... it is that i found when i met you on the street...

we stayed arm in arm for a very long time.. walking along.......... you and moments like this are what keeps my soul on fire

Guatemala...another place that feels home to me