a favorite image by Robert Frank

i stopped in front of this image today by Robert Frank that i have loved forever.

every time i see it, it feels like the very first time... like a new love.. butterflies... heart racing... i just feel caressed by it........ i could take it home and lay it down next to me

this one just gets under my skin.. to the tender parts, stirring so many intermingling feelings inside, like a warm oozing.... under this butterscotch sky...

if i could live with only one image.. i would be very happy to keep company with this one and stare at it forever

the absence of things

someone may look at this and think what? nothing is there.. yes,sometimes the absence of things.... the background, framework.... the lighting, and textures sets the stage.... my stomach was literally doing flip flops in this space. i loved it so much, i just lingered and lingered and didn't want to leave....... ....sometimes this is all you need....

Choosing a Direction

i've always been a bit of a rebel........when my parents sent me to a private day school.. i made sure to do everything wrong until they were so fed up with me they kicked me out......

i went back to public school. and decided i wanted to get out early.... the learning wasn't vast.. i doubled up, went to summer school and graduated in my junior year.......... of course i had to go back with a smirk to the private school and let them know.. i was hardly a failure. i had good grades, graduated early despite failing everything there to be removed... honestly , i didn't even like the concept private school.. though i understand it on all levels..

when the crowds went this way.. chose one path... starting in my teens i was always pushing the boundaries wanting to go the other direction....i just never felt i belonged with the masses....i had friends... but my calling was always a bit variant.... like many people i have in my life now some were like that back then.... and my son definitely carving his own path

call it the road less travelled.. the long and winding road..... but when i often feel most centered is when i'm following my gut.. my instinct..... i love the anecdotal interractions of life .. the spider web that is formed.. connecting us to one another .. no boundaries...no walls

while some are getting older....thinking about the later years ..settling down....... me i dream and wonder about the possibilities... yes the realities of the day to day living to pay the bills, survive and make things plausible...

but as my wise dad always said.. work hard to take care of yourself and others. always others.... that is KEY... and i'm on it..... but you want some fruits of the vine............. meaning experiences... exposure.... new moments with others.. keep the learning and evolution growing...... and while i want that home base.. of course i do...we all do.. nothing like home amongst the memories of a life , carved out how you want... i love my home...but it isnt a life in and of itself..... I also crave the motion.... the meandering .. the wandering.. the surprises...where my heart and energy are full

right now it's just percolating as i take stock of a life.. where i have been .. what things i want to accomplish,, experience.... what communities.. what kind of love that can truly flourish in my life.........

it is time to have more courage to strike out... stop waiting for others.. and get on with it.. bc the world ain't stopping. the clock is ticking... pay attention and the next thing you know another year has gone by.... 

This Little Green House

you drive by something.... again and again.. sometimes over a long period of years...... but your always drawn..... your eyes connect and want to linger......it’s the the needle in the haystack..

others don't see why you are stopping...what you are looking at, but now they look at me.. .....not the house.......who cares....i am here and having my moment..... it's the less obvious....... the little something .........the je ne sais quoi....... that makes me come alive..

for me it was this little green house, all alone.... lost in the middle of other homes that others would gawk at.........but not for me , it was this simple austere home with all the charm and beauty in a small field........this little green house

finally i stop and gave you your glory and took an image.

the last remaining elder

when you visit the last remaining elder in the family... my father's brother... whom i have grown up knowing since a baby... once the funny, offbeat character that i always loved to be with.... but who grew into a bit of an awnry person with a hot temper.......

a man who lived austere.. never owned a car. lived in the same one bedroom apartment for 50 years or more..... eats a lot in diners..... yet a huge philanthropist, on lots of boards and with friends in all the high places, but he lost his sense of ease, so serious all the time.... and became critical of so much around him...he has told us he has given all his money to charity, which is amazing.

i adored him through my 30's, admired him.. he travelled to places no one dared to go back in the 50's and 60's.....he'd go off to guinea or places i never heard of .and brought back color slides that we would sit and watch listening to these fabulous stories.... i think he helped to create that wonder lust in me.......

i bring him food.... sit for an hour or so.. i told him he lived the longest of his brothers and parents, and then he responded that my dad lived to 210 years old... and as quickly as he said that he drifted back to the present and a totally meaningful conversation of present politics....

sweet and sour... i visit each time thinking it's the last of my great uncle marshall.......i have to call today and plan another visit.....

i found this cabinet photo of my grandmother and told him how much i loved it and he offered it to me...

life moves on.. lives come and go.. and the history of your family with it.... he is the last to ask questions of.. but his memory is in and out....

Touch

i love when i read what's on your mind.. by this meta.....  do they really want to know.. who wants to know....   but for me what was on my mind  yesterday  was the importance of Touch

i'm a visual and tactile person.... emotional..  feel things so deeply.. which can be good and bad...... but in the end better to feel deeply ..... power of the heart.. sensitivity to others and the world around us... it feeds my abilities as a photographer.. to see.. pick up on nuances... pick one person from a crowd..... make that connection........   we are a grand cloth made up of many threads.... each one adding or taking away.. much like spices to food

But it was when i was lost in a massage.... my mind and body completely let go..   both travelling ,free wheeling.... and my thoughts were deeply elevated just about  the thought of touch..... i was in such a great state of peace and nurturing.. and  i was thinking a lot about the concept of touch or the absence of it.....

we learn from a very early age.. birth.. the need to be held, comforted.. patted gently urging to find sleep....      we learn all the ways in which as we get older.. to greet others. to make friends.. to shake hands.. to hug.. to kiss hello and goodbye.. pat or push each other with a hardy joke...  ....  and you surely know when you shake a hand that feels like a fish how not so nice that feels....   it is life affirming... connection..... words.. but touch is like an exclamation point...

later many crave pets. yes because like me who adores animals. we want them around. but inherently also bc yet without language..... they show by their being... their warmth.. their touch, climbing on our laps. grazing past our legs.. a paw pat.. a lick.... their connection and trust in us.......... that there is something greater than words that can happen through sounds and touch..... but yes they even learn some words..  but it's the physicality of holding them close .. they comforting us that is so wonderful.....  the need for all of us to nurture and be nurtured.... i always remember when i would cry how my cat would come on my lap and lick my face..... he knew..  we humans have the same capability.... 

and it is also in reverse........if animals are treated badly they are inclined to bark or bite.. do harm.... humans too without touch , love, warmth.. suffer greatly ., sometimes forever..

 i remember as a 14 year old… in love with someone 16yo....he  felt so much older than me…but i was mesmerized….. we would look into each others eyes. …and in those moments we communicated so clearly  about how we felt about each other. .. but there were no words at all.. i sat behind him in a car.. and let my fingers ever so gently touch the back of his shirt.. a flicker.. felt i know between the two of us. wondrous… the next day he sought me out and we were together for many years

but yesterday it was just a massage.... the soothing hands rubbing my hands ,feet, head all over.. the deliciousness of it all. the comfort.. the sensory pleasure..    the need by all of us to touch and be touched.. i love it..

i think i’m at a good place in myself…. where i feel centered by many truths and realities of life.. see , understand , percieve things more clearly and feel things more deeply and truthfully…

it's soooo simple.. but i  love the power of touch.. . .a high five.... ... a brush near dancing.... ...the warmth of someone lying near......a good ole bear hug...... or grab of a hand to introduce your self.... or to say goodbye.......

What is Home

home......

i often wonder about the many meanings of that word..... primarily.. it's here...life on earth... mother nature, what she provides... for all of humanity.. no divisive lines

but especially in light of all the mass movement of refugees, currently from Ukraine, and for many in so many countries ......... the loss of their culture , place , language, rituals.. .. they may have a home, a bed, a structure, but often losing the way to communicate shared memories... and not yet aquiring the language to communicat some of their deepest losses ,sorrows, hopes and dreams.

so too with climate change.... we see the destruction from fire, hurricanes and earthquakes, communities wiped out.. living unimaginable after its wake..... and with the destabilization of the world..environmentally, politically , financially.. socially, on and on...we turn to each other.. count on each other...power of each other for all humanity,. equally......

in the literal and visual sense.......home generally, but not for so many is conveyed as a safe haven.. a place that you can return to at the end of the day..... cook your meals, read, work, make love and go to sleep in your own bed.. nothing like it...


But home is so much more.... it's not just the structure, but home is what happens inside... our stuff while precious to us is just an accumulation ..... we can't take it with us.. but yes it has so much importance to most of us/Me Too!!!.... .especially irreplaceable momentos, and precious items passed down through families; our art work,books, things we want to leave to create a legacy


the bottom line...is how you live your life... and how you are with the people in your life.... family , friends , loved ones, the world at large..... these people are also home.. they are my home..

so while it might be grand to think of having a big home.. or a home with a lot of amenities.... in reality.. it doesn’t so much matter.... big or small. the same cultivations of thought and purpose , dignity and life occur in a tent, an apartment or a big or small home...even those who find themselves on the street bc of so many ills in our system that lets people fall through the cracks.....they too make a home.. if you stop to notice and look...they even create one on a corner in the street., their corner or block......

home is important.... everyone deserves and is entitled to a place called home...EVERYONE

so when i see this home, which i drove by for many days.. i found myself staring at... it was beautiful to me... and wondered about the life and family inside.... as i do often when i walk this earth... we are all family..


in particular, I love the homes in the West Indies, including Cuba, . but i love them in other places of the world.. even in this country esp in rural areas.. i wonder about the life lived before ... about the families who might have been there... the old ones from a generation long gone.. but still used and life manifested.. i think back to those times.. imaging how life was different.. and often when i see abandoned spaces i walk through them and pick up remnants of things..... and spend time in the rooms (even if i trespass i find my way.. the forbidden sign doesnt stop me-) naughty nina...

recently i was in an abandoned hotel that had been therefor a ton of years.. now occupied by goats, vegetation growing inside..., broken shards of pottery , mirrors... bandaid boxes.. and other things........ a whole world of a time when it was occupied by many....... i collected some tiles. as i also did in Cuba,, even if i found tiny ones...

Home IS where the heart is......its ALL of US.

Loss... endings... Life

i wasn't going to post and remember my dad today bc recently i posted a reflection from deep inside....... i am not down.... this is just life.......sometimes things bookend each other.. mb his anniversary today is a subtle reminder.. a nudge. . his love... that i have what it takes... that he is proud of me.. and that i need to also honor myself..... and i do that by sharing our life experiences..

8 years half passed since my fathers passing.....13 for my mother... anchors in my life.. ...other losses too... different kinds of loss...painful ones.....part of the living experience....

passing.. what does that mean?? an ending... the taking of that last breath. the space between when life as we know it ends..and going over to the other side..... transitioning to where?.....

we constantly grapple for meaning in life...to figure out what really matters...... so much of what we focus on does not....... and then you are no longer here........life as we know it.. gone........that can’t be the end......all that navigating.. learning.... .exploring.. all that history/ memory......

i have grappled for years now.. . trying to wrap my head around the multitude of experiences and emotions i’ve felt.... part of this wonderous life...........riding the waves... some very peaceful..magnificent... fantastic in fact..... some so lonely and painful... and then rejoicing....... in the memories.. the gratefulness i feel to experience all that it means to be human.....

when i feel those losses deep inside myself.. almost like a heart beat... rising to the surface ..... a feeling like presence overcomes me.... i see signs.... .feel that person....even those alive i feel lost from.. then connect........ is this spirit? what is the power of our minds related to this?? a connection.. or a way to conjure up and comfort our selves... or both. or a power greater than us

all i know is when i love.. i love so hard.. deeply.. that i take that person in fully.. and they become so much a part of me..i carrry them with me.. always... never forgotten.... i feel lucky for that.. even though loss is painful... to not love enough to feel the pain of that loss.. is the worst Loss of all.

today i honor that memory of my dad.. maybe gone,. not forgotton. ..life... the grandeur we still get to experience in the here and now.....and the love and depth i feel for so many that are here still wandering this earth with me.............this is not a downer.... rather just the opposite....... there is so much exquisite in the here and now.. and so happy im still here to taste as much as i can........ i take nothing for granted.... so much more work to do , experience and love and memories to create....