Cancer

today someone mentioned their wife... the years that have passed since she had cancer...... and i remembered so acutely..that this was the weekend my hair starting falling out everywhere... and how stressed , afraid and uncomfortable i was... .... it was the dreaded time to shave my head

my tears are flowing.. bc i don’t really allow myself to go back and dwell on it.. i may see an image of myself.. feel a sense of surprise.. like who is that?... and just move on... i suppose i just attack it the way i did going through it.. day by day.. it sucks , feels unfair(what in life is fair?) but it’s on my plate.... i can get through it.... and I did and i still am!

But now, as i look through a portfolio i am currently working on..... and i sit with any of the images for more than a few seconds it brings me to utter tears.... painful to review.. maybe because i DID live through all that.. I DID process and share..and it feels almost surreal, shocking to me... . and while I’m not 100 % done... i am approaching a big finish line with IV treatment on May 17.. did i say...... c e l e b r a t i o n

i think it's so important to recognize and acknowledge lifes experiences fully.. whether joyful or painful.... at least for me... and.... today i am remembering that very difficult weekend one year ago......

i remember this day last year.... my son, his girlfriend and my sister in-law being here... cutting my hair slowly.. at first me even embracing it.... until i knew it was over and we really had to shave it.....so difficult seeing it all collect on the floor,, feeling like i was a concentration camp victim.. i know that sounds harsh.. but it’s how i felt.. like someone terrorized me and took off my shield.. one is never more exposed than when something like this happens to them..

The Good news.....i am forever changed and grateful...I feel lucky.... and know that every day is important to me.. that people, family and friends are cherished... that I’m open to what lays ahead for me.... Yes i am! Ready for change and experience... Bring it on!

May 17 is celebration day for me..

My Faith, Humanity

i am not a church go-er... in fact , I’m jewish, but i don’t go to temple much either... high holidays maybe......

but there is something that always draws me to those who are committed to the weekly process .... that gather.... in communities... to join together.. in dialogue... prayer.. dance.. song..... especially in the smallest of places... where the church or temple might be in some small room , or on a hill in the countryside, or a side street in a big city................. where you might never have even noticed it if you weren’t exploring to begin with..(like i do)

often i join in with singing and start swinging my arms.... i like the sense of camaraderie.. mb not the full tenets the others have.... but the basic human nature beliefs that belong to us all whether you belong to a community or are religious or not ..before you even discuss anything....... its called
humanity.. recognizable to us all...... that’s my religious calling

Look Forward, Look Back

look forward.........look back...... keep eyes straight ahead? 

i often think about this in recent years where so much has happened in such a short period of time and has caused a bit of anguish and shake up in me from time to time.....

a fighter, resilient, strong when i need to be, but weak at times- on my knees too.......I’ve taken each thing as it’s come..sometimes very painful but, I’ve kept my eyes on each step forward... The Present.... trying to be in that moment....understanding each has it’s lesson.. 

But history..our past .. these triumphs and pains are a part of us.. to be remembered.. endured.. to process and to integrate into all that we are and may be becoming.. . 

sometimes I can’t see my future..mb bc if i try to focus i cant just dial it in like i want..... but it’s there... palpable... reachable...... i have dreams.. ideas.. thoughts.. feelings for sure of how , where.. what, when, who..... but it’s like a lightening bug... on and off...... one day the light will just Shine.. and ill scoop it!

what i know...... is to walk in my life as it is - today..... day by day .. best foot forward.. as honestly, kindly, lovingly as i can.. with interest, curiosity , compassion, dignity and openesss to what i may not anticipate.... 

with that my future will develop, softly , gently, right before my eyes as it happens in the dark room.....you see the image coming.. first so faint at first.. then a few shifts forward and back as the liquid passes over...... and boom it begins to become clearer and clearer..... i can see it.. .

so i will look back.. remember.. learn.. integrate...it’s my history.. my story....... stay present and honest, convicted in purpose- my present life as I’m choosing to live it... ......... and look forward with arms wide open...with hopefulness, joy and happiness.........a full life ahead still unlived..... 

and it sure helps I’m on a countdown.. 4 more IV Herceptin treatments after a long year in cancer treatment... day 4 going down today!!!!!! 3 more to go.. May 17 is D day.. done with IVs

I’m one very lucky girl...ever so grateful.. world are you ready for me? I ain’t going anywhere but right here!!! 

love love and more love just more

Bottle Beach

some days are just so wonderful....you go out with an idea in mind.. something you heard about.. to see it for yourself... it could be a bust or more than you expected..... 

NYC has so many surprises and finds when your an explorer ,which i like to think i am from time to time....

today was special.. thinking it was going to be a warmer day i wore very few clothes... but by near the seashore the wind was kicking up... and i found myself walking into a chill wind.. my nose running and trying to cover my newly short haircut and more exposed head with a scarf.....

never mind on with the exploration and search.. a littered space mostly of bottles, but other things too mixed in...i walked forever it seemed.. so enthralled i forgot how cold i was.... and warmed by the suns afternoon rays on the way back with my special finds...

an old mirror, cracked on the other side, a very old used hand bag, wallet, old soles and two shards of used pottery.. it felt like treasure to me.. and me the treasure hunter........... not so different from what i do with rocks, flowers and shells... but with this ... it’s history.. a past lived.. gone.. who owned these things.. where are they now...why i adore the flea market.. similar.. but finding.. discovering is the best

happy and full with a day well lived.. finished off with some good columbian food.. and a fire at home , cozy bed and a warm cat waiting to love me up... all is good .... good nite

Fragility Of Life

fragility of life................ so much beauty.. promise... but life throws curve balls.. cracks , creases, bumps in otherwise solid ground and steady terrain.... no matter.. the beauty, the promise always shines through.... might look faded , blurry in the distance.. one cant always see with full clarity... but in time.. things generally come into focus....... become sharp and clear and strong as always.. amazing thing about time , distance and gentle, loving kindness

A Day Of Deep Reflection

today was a day of deep reflection.. i had my second to last IV cancer treatment.. incredibly only one more to go on May 17...a day i could barely have imagined would ever come... but it has been over a year since i have been regulated by a schedule of treatments and hospital visits..... NO regrets, sadness, why me.....just deeply humbled from this whole experience.... i am indeed one of the lucky ones given a regime with the hopes of a long survival.. 

At the same time, this juncture is an odd space for me..a time of reckoning.. trying to make sense of everything that has happened, that i have experienced...putting all the pieces together as i try to navigate the future ... how have i changed? how do i see my todays.. tomorrows? what might i do differently.. few of us get to look at things from a new perspective after such a viable scare... the way i process my day to day... feels different.. more acceptance.. graciousness with self and others......it’s been a period of profound growth

ironically, happening simultaneously is the sale of my parents home, two years after my precious dad has passed...another big wound that i have finally been able to synthesize into my understanding of what is life...how we live.... which includes death..we learn so much about how to live.. but very little about how to die.. in fact it’s a squeamish topic most of us don’t even want to discuss. including myself at times.. i still fear death because i want to live... but i know that facing it through the ones we love who are lost and by ones own frailty brings a greater understanding of what is important... . too many lose sight of this, caught up in things that ultimately matter so little

what i know... is that we are capable of handling more than we think we can.. that while life has a funny way at times of escaping us, that it’s important we slow it all down.. we move, act too fast.. keep too busy.. limit our focus..... for me .. i just want to dream big and make as many things happen as i can.. to not be limited by fear and the unknown.. to take a few more chances.. and to love up all those i care about and to spend precious time..

Restless Spirit

eyes half- closed.. dreaming.. thinking of places that warm my heart...open land...small villages....oh cities. always cities too... .. 

sometimes i wonder if my spirit.. soul is seeking something more... not an accumulation of more... more quality and meaning in the day to day... 

very much understanding and realizing that my being is sometimes restlless.. and needs to move around.. see. take in.. inject... absorb.... mb to be re-awakened again and again... spurting new growth...... like a refresh button....

at 58, and yes I’m 58 years YOUNG.. lots to do and think about......common for those of us pushing up the numerical chart to reflect about where we have been... where we are.. and where we are going.. or want to go........ 

reminds me of all the books i read in the early 70’s - khalil Gibran- the prophet, be here now- Ram das, our bodies ourselves, man’s search for meaning(frankl), anais nin.. could go on and on...

what were some of yours???

significant person in my life, dad

i have been doing a lot of life processing in recent months...much needed after a turbulent number of years.. we all have our narratives..all significant... but how we get through them, survive, endure, progress... THRIVE.... is very important to our well being, balance and over all health...

for those who know me well... a very significant person in my life was my father....for so many reasons... often tough and judgmental and not always available to me as child he became the beacon of wisdom, compassion, honesty, decency for me and many others...... his integrity was so strong.. and the abundance of love and care he put out to those who mattered to him or for those in need.. was unsurpassable... he sought to help, change and enrich the course of lives of so many others... .. 

I’ve been bestowed i’d like to think with his heart, and character... and my ability to be tenacious.. have fortitude.. gratitude.. and a huge generosity of spirit.......and most of all LOVE

but even with all of that.. one can be broken now and again.. withstand hurts and pains.....we are all strong and weak... i watched him never waiver in his sadness over my mothers loss and his devotion to her til his dying bed... wedding band still on his left hand....... he taught me so much

during his last years i tried to shoot some photos to document this decline and impending absence...... but every time since i go to edit or contemplate putting anything together( and it has now been two years) i am just immobilzed to do so

in searching for something else last nite this image just appeared out of nowhere.. you may not see his face.. but it is indeed a portrait of my father in his last months... (well he thought he may have years.. but in fact it probably was a month or two before he passed)

so now I’m seeking the courage to now go and Look.. Re-visit my father.. without fear of the pain it brings. or sadness.. but to bring the joy too of how lucky i was to have such a father.. who despite the early years.. in the last half of my life was the most significant person for me.....and the reason it hurts so much is that i know no one else quite like him.... I was indeed very lucky! 

he always had so much courage. set such a good example.... so do I.. nothing or no one takes me down for long.. i always find a way to get up, find my inner strength and footing ..... so I’m going to be tender with myself..and do the same here....take the opportunity now and this spring to revisit these photos if ever so slowly and put something together mostly for myself, but also in tribute and memory to my dad